Archive for November 29th, 2011

November 29, 2011

TIM HUNTSMAN-MANIA!!! (Limping through back alleys in Concord, New Hampshire)

According to Rasmussen, Rob Huntsman, former Governor of Utah, Obama apparatchik, and ex-frontman for Wizard, has surged in the New Hampshire polls to 4th place at a whopping 11%. Using his unconventional ‘cockroaches shall inherit the Earth’ strategy, Huntsley has been able to avoid the nuclear barrage of scrutiny heaped on the other GOP candidates. Like a postman sneaking in through the back window of a married woman’s home to satiate his fetish for women’s undergarments, Hunsacker has finally sniffed his way into double digits in a state that Beltway Insiders (meaning Karl Rove and his buddies) consider to be vital in the 2012 nomination process (though it’s still ranked in the 40s when it comes to size, population, and land size).

Here is the last known photo of Tom Huntsman (D-Utah):

When reached for comment MSNBC anchor, Chris Matthews said, “We’re all fans of this guy Doug Huntsman. You know what he reminds me of? He reminds me of those old style Republicans who used to exist in my memory but may have never actually existed in reality. He’s a handsome guy. That’s important to me, by the way. You want to have a leader you can imagine hooking up with your wife while you’re listening from the closet. That kind of stuff is important to a hard-working, blue collar stiff like me. Plus,  Mark Huntsman has that great complexion and that little spike of silver his hair that all men of great importance have.”

Once off his tangent, Matthews continued, “This is huge. If Bill Huntsman can get 4th place in the New Hampshire primary, he’ll basically have cinched the GOP nomination right then and there. I know my network will treat him like the putative GOP nominee-elect and we’ll be pushing that meme hard. That’s our job dammit!”

November 29, 2011

IS AARON BLAKE A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR ?

Hey Twitterers…Looking for any kind of information on the useless life of one Aaron Blake of the Washington Post. We’ve heard of rumors concerning the blogger for “The Fix”. We’re merely asking for your help to determine if these rumors are true or not. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. But the public has a right to know, and of course it’s newsworthy.

Is Aaron Blake a chronic masturbator? Does he pick his nose and then eat it? We may have an anonymous source close to Mr. Blake who says he’s underdeveloped in certain areas of his anatomy? The same source may have said he was “messy” as a child and peed in his bed until he was late into his teen years? Can anyone confirm this? We also may have a report of an underage girl who said that Aaron Blake stared at her one time and made her uncomfortable? Have any of his ex-girlfriends thought he was a bit of a creep? Please come forward. We’ll reward you with discarded Washington Post newspapers from staff intern Rajiv’s gerbil cage.