AN OPEN LETTER TO WISCONSIN PROGRESSIVES

Dear Wisconsin Progressives,

We here in the United States don’t really care much for you. We never really did. You’re more like uninvited house guests from Canada who squatted and never left.

So this letter is to inform you that we’re breaking up with you. It’s not us. It’s you. You’re loud, obnoxious, rude, you don’t act like law-abiding citizens, and none of you clean up after squatting in your state capital for weeks.

So please take your Fightin’ Bob LaFollete, your red sweatshirts and orange t-shirts, your cheezy-as-funk 1960s sloganeering, your bongs, your bongos. Take all of it with you. You lost your recall efforts (after wasting much taxpayer money). YOU LOST. YOU LOST after promising everyone you were going to “take your state back”. YOU LOST after Ed Schultz camped out in Madison for weeks, hoping to lionize his stature within the progressive community. YOU LOST after wasting ALL OF THAT MONEY for the recalls. YOU LOST after one of your local papers realized, hey, maybe Governor Scott Walker was right all along. For all the effort, for all the signs you created for Ed Schultz’s MSNBC backdrop, for all the hours you spent out in the cold, for all the Jessie Jackson sermonizing, for all the guitar playing by Rage Against the Machine’s Tom Morello, for all the hopeful preening by The Nation’s John Nichols – YOU LOST! YOU LOST! YOU LOST!

And don’t try foolin’ yourselves with the rejoinder that you took back two seats over the course of the recall. That’s loser’s talk. You had the home-court advantage. Republicans walked into your crib, stole your lunch money, stole your girlfriend, made out with your mom, and then, after the recall efforts, they let you keep your mom.

Wisconsin may not be a red state, but it’s no longer a sickle & hammer RED state either. Take your proud progressive traditions, your love for Big Labor, and your Ed Schultz, your  folk heroes (the “Wisconsin 14”), and don’t let the border agent hit you on your way to Canada (we’re sure you’ll be more comfortable there). It’s just a short little walk guys. Sing some slogans if it helps…

Hey-hey, ho-ho, Wisconsin Progressives, GOT TO GO!

SHOW ME what unemployed losers look like! THIS is what unemployed losers look like!

Sincerely,

The United States of America

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