CONFIRMED: CNN HAS SPITZER TELEVISION DISEASE — Red Eye’s Ratings Are So Hot, They Make Conjunctivitis News Network Blush Fuchsia; CNN’s new tag-line: ‘the most trusted name amongst NY governors with herpetic lesions’?

Red Eye at 3am ET continues to destroy the primetime competition…at CNN. When will Roger Ailes give in and allow America to have the matchup 20 years in the making? Red Eye vs. The Daily Show (and The Colbert Report). Not since Ali-Frazier, right?

Well, as long as O’Reilly’s 11pm encore continues kicking everyone’s tail, it probably won’t happen (I suppose). The truth is people who turn in to the see The Factor at 11pm probably wouldn’t take too kindly to Red Eye’s tour de force of off-the-wall-edness.

The truth of the matter is that Red Eye is a better show than Stewart & Colbert combined. The trio of Greg Gutfeld, Bill Shultz, and Andy Levy is funnier and edgier than the same old, tired, easy, and boring clapping monkey routine from Stewart and Colbert.

As fans of Red Eye, we hope they never pass the midnight line into a PM slot. Why? Because we hate live studio audiences, we’d hate to lose the low-fi experimental feel of the show, and we don’t want to see Greg Gutfeld start doing cheap and easy jokes to satisfy his FNC bosses.

We also enjoy the illusion that these folks really and truly are in the FNC studio at 3 in the morning, and, if we so desired, we could just walk down the street and kidnap Andy Levy any time we wished and sell him into the eastern-European sex slave trade. How much would we ask for in return for Andy Levy? Not much. Maybe some Chicken n’ Rice on 53rd and 6th.

We’re celebrating the Fourth of July and Red Eye’s success with some of Red Eye’s golden moments over the past few years.

Without further adieu….Patti Ann Browne:

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