WEINER CRIES HACKER: Hackers Jack Weiner’s Twitter (allegedly) & MSM Remains Silent

NOT Arnold Horshack

We at the Darjeeling Express are absolutely outraged at the media silence the Weinergate story has received. By ignoring what is undoubtedly a crime, the American press is telling future victims of crotch-pic twitter-hacking to keep silent and not come forward. As a society we cannot stand by while computer hackers break into our twitter accounts, impersonate us, and forward underwear crotch pictures of other men to our twitter followers. That’s simply unacceptable. I call on all news outlets — the New York Times, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, and NBC — to end the media blackout on Weinergate and help us find the perpetrators of this crime.

We at the Darjeeling have had our problems in the past with Congressman Anthony Weiner, but this is one issue we can come together on. We stand with Weiner in denouncing this kind of behavior. If the hacker is a Republican or a Tea Party member or a reason.com loving libertarian, then we must identify this criminal and pursue legal actions. It is incumbent upon us to take a stand against these hackers once and for all. This is not some innocent little, victimless prank. Families, relationships, reputations, and penis size contests are at stake, and we must send a message of zero-tolerance for anyone associated with this type of fraud. Rest assured Mr. Weiner, we at the Darjeeling Express, are on your side! They say in times of crises we discover who are friends are. Well Congressman Weiner, we will not stop until the person who hacked into your account and posted that crotch pic is found and brought to justice. I call on Congressman Weiner to contact the FBI and launch a criminal investigation.

Incidentally, we can only imagine the pain this whole incident may have caused your wife, Huma Abedin. It must have crushed her to think, even for a moment, that her husband was the kind of toolbag who, after only a year of marriage, would look for some side action with a fangirl college student in Seattle by taking pictures of his crotch and twittering it to the world. The last thing she needs is for the world to think that she really was playing Bosses and Interns with Hillary Clinton after all, and that your relationship with her is purely a sham.

And where is Twitter on this issue? Is there some mysterious new form of hacking where individuals can infiltrate our accounts without simultaneously affecting our access? Is this a zombie hackjob? Is it a virus? Is Twitter safe?

(However, we would like to thank the hacker for at least having the common decency to send an underwear pic as opposed to an actual penis pic. That was thoughtful and discrete. If we’d been the one’s who’d successfully hacked into Weiner’s Twitter, you can’t begin to image what kind of pics we’d have sent from his account. Actually, sending some random dude’s clothed crotch was pretty lame. What was even the point of hacking into his account in the first place if that was the best you could come up with? What, you couldn’t send gay porn? A tiny penis sans underwear? You guys are some weak-ass hackers, I gotta say. Anonymous and 4chan you are not.)

And what of the woman this crotch pic was sent to? Her online presence has mysteriously vanished in the past 24 hours. We hope she hasn’t been traumatized by this experience. In fact, there’s no real reason for her to take her information offline. She didn’t do anything.

We’d also like to compliment Weiner on the incredible calm he showed during this crisis. Four minutes after he’d discovered his account had been compromised he was joking about it. Instead of exhibiting the deranged, confrontational psycho-fury that has made him famous (and borderline psychotic) in congress and on various news outlets, he played it cool. Obviously he must be in shock. I’m sure he wishes to keep it a private matter, but we encourage Rep. Weiner to come forward and tell his side of the story. Perhaps through talking about it he’ll have some measure of peace from this disturbing episode. In fact, Congressman Weiner is in such a traumatic state that he completely denies knowing this woman in Seattle, even though, apparently, they were following each other on their Twitters (meaning, she was following him, and he was following her…crazy, right?). Could it be a fugue state, I wonder?

More as news develops….


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